Nobody tells you how much taking care of a baby is a guessing game. I usually love games, but this is one I do not enjoy at all. It can get so frustrating and I have had many a breakdown because I feel overwhelmed trying to decided what is best for Lucy or what is wrong with her etc.
My mom used to always say she wished babies came with a marque across there forehead that would tell you what was wrong when they were upset. As a teenager I thought this was amusing but also didn't get it, I mean either they are hungry, poopy or sleepy right? WRONG! I think so far this has been the most frustrating part of being a mommy. I don't know how many conversations Erik and I have had since Lucy was born that go something like this:
Should we do X or should we do Y
Should we use this or that?
Should we give her X or Y
Should we let her (fill in blank)
Do you think she is (fill in blank)
Do you think we should (fill in the blank)
Is it okay to (fill in blank)
What do you think is wrong with her?
What should we do?
I dunno what do you think?
And on and on these conversations go. It's like each move we make we must analyze and guess what we should do and what Lucy needs/wants. It's exasperating and stressful! Sound familiar to anyone?
As hard as this game can be sometimes. (especially at 4 in the morning) I want to list a few things that are keeping me going. Before I do that though, let me first just say that I always read peoples blogs who are mothers and they rave about how they love motherhood and whenever they express an ounce of a complaint it is always followed by "But it is totally worth it". Before I became a mom I always was skeptical about that phrase. I thought maybe it was just a way for the mom to not seem like a bad mom, but they really didn't feel that way. Like it was fake. I wondered if I would feel that it was all worth it at the end of the day. I didn't want to be fake and pretend things were hunky dory if they were not. Well I can now say with full confidence that that feeling is real! I'm amazed. I am not a patient person at all. I thought that this "game" would make me very frustrated with Lucy, but I find myself loving her more through the frustrations. I find at the end of the day it is all worth it! Which leads me back to the things that are keeping me going-
1. I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me more love. I love Lucile more than I thought was possible. (particularly when matters with her can be so frustrating) I feel so much compassion towards her and charity. I am so grateful for the tender mercies the Lord has given me. I feel like each day through all the confusion, frustrations, worries, he gives me wonderful moments with my baby girl. Which leads me at the end of the day thinking "I Love this girl so much" and "she is such a good baby! and "this is all worth it!" I can't stop smiling at her, talking to her, squeezing her, no matter what she does. I am so grateful that the Lord has helped me start to build that love and see just a glimpse of how he loves.
2. I am extremely grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost. I had an experience when I was about 8 months pregnant that changed me. As some of you know....and frequently mocked, I was trying to be super super prepared for this baby. I had read every book, researched everything online, heck I even took a product poll on my blog! I was so ready, yet so worried and confused at conflicting advice etc. I couldn't stop stressing about it until one night at the famous girl get togethers called Scraps (every Thursday night girls in the ward get together to talk) I was expressing some worries, and frantically asking questions (which I had done a lot lately-to many people) and finally someone said something to me that was kind of a "duh!" but in all my questioning no one had told me and I hadn't thought of. (wow what a build up-sorry) My friend Jackie said- "well that's why you just you have to live close to the spirit and it will guide you what to do!" Wow! She probably doesn't even remember saying this to me but it meant the world to me. I was able to relax after that and know that of all the books I was reading the one I should be reading the most to prepare was my scriptures. And that I also should just be praying my guts out! All I needed to do was to make sure I was living close to the spirit so I could have it's influence and guidance. I have thought about this daily since I have had Lucy and I have been blessed to feel inspiration in times when I just did not know what to do. I am grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost.
3. I am grateful for an AMAZING husband who helps me a tremendous amount. He has been fabulous with all this! I am pretty sure I would be a pretty crappy mother without him. He allows me to be the mother I am. He has already given me a few night's out with the girls! He has exceeded my expectations as a father and has become an even more amazing husband. I Love him so much and feel so lucky to have him.
4. And it helps that little Lucy is So Stinkin Cute! :)
Sorry for the lengthy post- maybe I said too much and was to honest. I just needed to write down how I have been feeling and wanted to share. I really am blessed with a happy, healthy, good baby girl who I love so much, even when it's hard. I will keep playing this guessing game probably for the rest of my children's lives, but I know now that it in the end will truly be worth it! I keep telling myself. "I can do hard things!" And with the help of friends, family, and the Lord I can.
-"Hi Grandma! See you in a week!" 
