Lately, i have been really depressed and frustrated with our struggles to get Pregnant. Sometimes i wonder how these teenage girls get prego, because WE cannot make things happen! It has been very frustrating playing this emotional waiting game each month wondering and hoping that this will be "the month." I feel like all my dreams, goals, desires and talents are all hinging on this idea of being a mother. It is something i have wanted to be my whole life and now that i am married and have prayed and feel ready, and am trying to be obedient i wonder why the Lord will not, or should i say has not given me a child yet. And i know i am young, and i have plenty of years, and i should enjoy the time i have just with Erik, but it's hard when this is what i feel is my purpose and will bring ultimate joy to our little family and for heaven sakes it's a commandment! Come on we are trying to be good here.
Well anyway, these have been my thoughts and frustrations for the past year and after talking to my amazing Mother i realized i need to take a different outlook on life. All i can think about and live for is having a baby, and since this is not happening right now in the time that i would like it to and instead (like all things) is going to happen in the Lords timing when he KNOWS it is best, i have found i need to now put it aside and start working on some goals for myself. Yes, we are going to continue to try to have a baby, but i will try to not have that as my main focus, like a life or death situation. There is so much more to love in life and so much more for me to do in prepar
ing myself to be a great mother and wife.
ing myself to be a great mother and wife. So here is what i have come up with. I nanny and don't have to be at the house until noon to get the kindergartner off the bus. So up until now i usually just sleep in until 11:00 or so. I know, shameful, you are all thinking "and she wants a baby where she will have to get up at 2:00 AM?" My excuse has always been, what am i going to get up to do? And of course my husband raddles off a bunch of lame things like cleaning the house, doing the laundry etc. Which does not motivate anyone who is not a morning person to get up. This also causes a problem at night with a husband who gets up at 7:00am each morning and so is tired around 10:00pm and i am wired because i slept until 11:00am so i am not ready for bed until 1:00am. This makes for a very tired husband who tries to stay up with me so we can go to bed together or a really grumpy Nikki who cant fall asleep at 10:00pm and is bored lying in bed. So the solution for this and my baby woo's is the following.
I have made a "Bucket List." A list of all the things i want to do before i "kick the bucket" and have children. I talked to my mother and there is so much she wishes she had time for, but 6 kids later she cant find the time for. When i look at my life i realize i have tons of time i am sleeping away. So now each morning i get up a few hours earlier than before and i have my "Bucket List" items on a calendar, already scheduled out for me and i work on that thing for an hour or so that morning. For example, a craft, writing in my journal, organizing stuff, teaching myself piano again, service etc. Each day a new thing that is planned out. I also start my day wit
h reading my scriptures and end the activity with going to the gym for an hour before work.
h reading my scriptures and end the activity with going to the gym for an hour before work. I cant tell you how wonderful this is. I have only been doing this for a few days but i can't tell you what a difference it has made in my life in so many aspects. I read my Scriptures more diligently, i go to bed earlier with my husband at night, I exercise which gives me more energy, and best of all i feel accomplished. I have goals that i work on. I get items off my to-do list and work towards more things than just trying to get pregnant. Things that i can control better. Things that will make me a better person, wife and someday a mother. I am so grateful for this new perspective and this chance to do these things for myself. I know someday i will look back at this time in my life and value it so much and wish i could go back. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and my family and has a plan for us. I feel rejuvenated and redetermined to better myself and enjoy life now in the present.
13 comments:
That's amazing, way to change your perspective! I didn't know you guys had been trying...lots of people I know have a really hard time conceiving, sometimes it happens when you least expect it. Mysister tried for over a year before becoming pregnant with her first, then was planning on it taking a while with the second and got pregnant right away, crazy. I think your mom was right, it's worth it to spend time on yourself now because you have NONE for yourself after kids. It'll happen for you before you know it. Good luck :)
Nikki, I wish I could just reach through the screen and hug you. I remember feeling like I shouldn't be upset I wasn't betting pregnant because I was young, but it's still upsetting. No matter how long you are trying, when you want a child and can't get pregnant it's scary, it's frustrating and it's hard not to get a bit (or a lot) depressed and let everything else slide. It took us 4 years and 3 months to get pregnant with little Evan, and there was so much heartache and pain in those years. I wish I could grab my younger self and say "It's going to happen, don't waste these years being upset about 'when'." but that's hard. All you want to know is that there will be an end, and that you will eventually get pregnant. I can say that Evan came at just the right time and I needed to have a lot of different exeriences in my life that I would not have had if I'd been able to get pregnant right away. And they've made me a better mother and a better wife but in the moment it's so hard to see all of that and it's easy for me to dispense my "wisdom" from where I am, with two children. I think you are doing such a good thing by putting it into perspective and concentrating on what you can do now. I know I did that from time to time (probably not often enough) and it made things seem so much better. If you ever need to talk please feel free to email me. I really do know what it feels like to be where you are.
Oh, and in my bog (i've had it a LONG time) there is the very end of our journey trying to conceive, don't know if it would help to read it or not, but it's there if you wish.
GREAT!!!! this is so wonderful Nicole!! Im so glad you have a plan!!! If I use enough !!!!! do you think i can communicate how excited i am for you!!!!!!!! I know its hard, but focusing on positive things occupying your time with good things while still trying to make things happen will make you so much happier. And more relaxed! It will happen for you but like you said in the Lords time until then getting out and enjoying life and having great experiences, will make you an even better person than the wonderful and amazing Nicole or Nikki we all know and adore!!! Anything i can do to keep you occupied or hang out anytime just let me know!
Ephraim's definitely squeezable ... which is a good thing with two older sisters who NEVER leave him alone! Good luck with your journey towards motherhood! Those are great ways to prepare! I was 19 when I had Emma Jean! I used to imagine myself as this reserved spiritual giant when I became a mother. It was scary when I realized I was eight months pregnant and still the same ole Hannah! Hopefully I won't corrupt my children too much!
You're so great Nichole...I'm glad you've something that makes you so happy! Let me know if you need someone to be productive with :). Also...our birthday is in 12 days...hooray!
Hi Nikki, I didnt even know you were trying to get pregnant. I am sorry its been so hard for you. It took us over a year with Meg,and then got pregnant right away with Q, thinking it would take a whole year.
I am glad you are starting to do better. I know how it can get so depressing every month, if you ever want to talk, or hang out or something, you can call me, or email me or whatever.
I went to the provo mall, and was thinking of you as i drove passed BYU. We should definitely hang out, we live so close.
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Wow! You're a bigger person than me! Good idea to set goals! It took us 2 years to get pregnant with Elsa, which felt like an eternity. Everything that you wrote completely brings back the feelings that I had. I felt the exact same way. I felt that if I couldn't do what the Lord wanted me to do, then what? I had a hard time knowing what my purpose was in life. I feel for you and admire you for making goals and accomplishing them. So many people told me that "your baby will come when you don't think about it so much" and they were right. Things actually turned out better having her later because then Justin was out of school and we were better off. I'm sure you'll have children someday soon and you'll be an amazing mother! Our prayers are with you!
Love, cousin Tiff
I understand what you're going through. Hang in there!
Nicole, your blog is great!Its Aunt Freddie here... I enjoyed reading your post and I totaly agree with your wonderful mother.There are lots of things i learned on our mission and one of them is that the Lord has a plan for every one, and things happen in the Lords time not ours. There were so many times i thought that I could control things and do them my way but I quickly learned that the Lord knew best and if i was willing to wait and be patient, and do the things that i was supposed to do, that is when the blessings came and things happened. So do not fear...:) you will have your darling baby when the time is right for you. He is very mindful of you. Take care ...
Hurray for the bucket list! I am glad that you have made these goals, your only mistake in revealing this to me is that now I am going to check on how getting up and being productive is working out for you! Ha ha ha. YOu are wonderful.
nikki, You are amazing! and c'mon, 11:00 isnt that late to sleep in.. ha ha.
You are so wise Nikki. A lot of like to wallow in our self pity....esp. when we ant to control something and we can't. you have really taken control though and changed your attitude. You are accomplishing so much now and you will be grateful. I loved how you called becoming a other "kicking the bucket" b/c you do have to kick the bucket to lost of things that used to be important to you.....and replacing them with other things!!! You are so cute!
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