I have had a lot of free time lately, hence all the posts, but I think I like blogging more than just the big fun events. I want to start writing more just about my daily happenings and feelings. So to catch you up...
Just Keep Swimming
For the past few months I have been working for this company called Diviine Modestee. Just in the mornings before I nanny I go to different Costco's across Utah and sell there line of swimsuits there. It's been pretty fun and really great money but tommorow is the last day and I am kind of ready for it to be over. I would though reccomend checking out there suits if you are in the market for a modest bathing suit. They are really cute. http://diviinemodestee.com/
Macho Me
So I am taking this new free time in the mornings to work on unfinished projects and work out. I LOVE lifting! It feels so good to build muscle and tone up. I love classes at the gym. I will post my projects later as I finish them.
Friendly Maid Rachel
So today as I mentioned earlier I was feeling really down and just before I went to work who showed up at my door? My good friend Rachel. She wanted to hang out and instead I convinced her to come to work with me. It was so good to have the company and to just talk and get my mind off things. We had a slow day at the Thomas' house so we just sat around and folded laundry. Then her being the neat freak she is, she decided to clean the 13 year old boys horrendous room. It looked sooo good. It was super nice of her. He texted me later and thanked me, he said it made his day. Of course I gave the credit to her and threatened him that he better keep it clean. She made me want to re-dedicate myself to my nannying job. I really can do better with my time there. It will be good for me to put myself in the service of that family.
Beauty School Dropout
Last of all I decided today that I need a plan for when I move to Richmond in July. I cant keep going on like this, with no plan but to be a mom. So my plan is that if I am not pregnant before we move than I am going to go to Hair school or, maybe do an Interior Design program. This makes me really excited. I dont regret quiting school because I felt that that was what I was supposed to do, but 2 years later and still with no baby I feel really unaccomplished and worthless. I really need to work towards a goal and accomplish it. I have felt like a failure with not getting to be a mom and not doing much of anything else. I try to tell myself that the Lord led me to all of this so I could be there for the family I nanny for during this hard time in there lives. (they just went through a divorce) But, it still feels like something small. I just need to appreciate this time I have with my husband and with the freedom to do whatever I want. So that gives me something to look forward too.
Question
Ok that's all..thanks for listening. Wait one more thing. My last thought is a question I have had on my mind. How do you balence having faith vs. the Lords will? In Mormon 9:21 it say's "Behold, I say unto you that whoso believeth in Christ, doubting nothing, whatsoever he shall ask the Father in the name of Christ it shall be granted him; and this promise is unto all, even unto the ends of the earth." But for example in Daniel chapter 3 when Shadrach, Meshack, and Abed-nego are going to be thrown into the firery furnace they say something to the effect of "Our God is able to deliver us, our God will deliver us out of thine hands." So that sounds like faith nothing wavering...but then in the next verse it says "But if not..." So i know they are not doubting the Lords abilties. But are doubting, or are taking into consideration the Lords will. But is'nt that doubt? How do I pray for something and say "I have complete faith in thee Lord that you can do this....but If you dont..help me cope with it." It sounds like I dont have complete faith. From the verse in Mormon it sounds like if I dont doubt, and have complete faith it shall be granted unto me. I dont know. This probably is really confusing. And I know it has something to do with the Lords timing with our blessings. But I just dont know how to pray and ask for something in faith while still having reserves about whether or not the Lord wants this for me right now. And how do I have such complete faith but also not get my hopes up and let down. If this makes sense to anyone than please help!!! I know I sound crazy. I am just writing down my thoughts. Hopefully no one will read this huge post! :)
10 comments:
hey scnick. i love reading your blog! you're adroable adn a great spirtual example for me. really. about your question....i was thinking while readgin it that when you pray for whatever you're praying/asking for, i've heard you are supposed to say (and feel/think this way too) "according to thy will". So when you're praying for something you are necnessarily praying for what you want...but for what the Lord wants in your life. And then I think it's great to ask for tha bility to cope with whatever He sees fit to give you. Did that make sense. i am sure you know all of this and I am probably not even making sense. Anyway, those were my thoughts.
Nichole,
You're wonderful! Those are such great scriptural references for your question. I think M, S, and A had perfect faith. They saw Christ and were willing to die for the truth. But, they were not all-knowing like God is. They didn't know what God's plan was for them even in a moment of great harm and danger. All they knew was that God knew them, they were His obedient children, and that obedience to His perfect plan would bring joy. I know for myself that our plans don't always match the Lord's, but we have to trust that He knows all and through the atonement we can be made strong to cheerfully endure all things. So, I think what helps me the most is to pray to have my will aligned with the Lord's. You are a great example of praying and then going "to work" doing what you can and living in a way that brings happiness. You're great. Sorry it's so long!
Remember Joseph Smith praying and praying to be able to let Oliver Cowdry take the first 116 translated pages to show his wife? We all know what happened...so while it is important to have faith that our prayers will be answered and the righteous desires of our hearts will be granted, it is also important to have the same amount of faith in our Lord's will. Really accepting that the Lord's will or timing, with his infinite wisdom and knowledge of what is best for us, is not lack of faith but an even greater demonstration of faith. At least that's my interpretation.
By the way...since it's been so long, have you had any tests? One of the first ones they do is called an HSCG, you can google it, and a lot of times people conceive after it because it clears things out, and if not it can give you an idea of things that could be wrong. You just need a good doctor who is willing to be aggressive. Sorry for the extremely long comment. Hope it helps a little.
First of all, it shows great wisdom on your part that you are even asking this question. I think a lot of the time I didn't always want to understand why things weren't happening for me I just wanted to be mad. And while we are having our little spiritual "tantrums" Heavenly Father is just waiting for us to calm down and ask for his help. Unfortunately, something I learned the hard way, we can be very faithful, do everything we are asked, ask if faith, but that doesn't mean we will get what we want. Unfortunately when we are tested, it is just that, a test. And if it wasn't hard it wouldn't be a test, but you are doing the right thing by asking questions, trying to be faithful through all of this.
I can tell you that infertility can do a number on your faith if you aren't very careful, it can damage your spirit if you let it. But you have to let it. And you have to be faithful, not just because you think that faithfulness will lead to a baby, but because you want to see God's will in your life. Whatever it may be. And it's hard. I think, on the childbearing front, I've only recently truly taken this to heart. And, of course, it is much easier now that i have to children, but still I want to wonder why it is taking a long time again. And I have promised myself that I will just focus on what I do have in this life right now. And on perfecting those things and doing all the right things NOT so that I will get a baby sooner, but so that I will be the kind of person I want to be, the kind of mom I want to be.
I don't know if that made any sense. I guess I'm just saying that to have that kind of faith where you can say "Thy will be done" you have to be faithful NOT just because of the blessings you are so desperately wanting, but because being faithful is the right thing to do and the way to grow closer to God and to grow spiritually. I do know that I wasted a lot of time wanting what I didn't have. I regret that and I don't want you to regret that (not that you are wasting time). I spent so much time being unhappy when I could have enjoyed what I did have. I don't know an easy way to not let that happen, but I know that if you focus on being true to YOUR faith you will be able to focus more on the things Heavenly Father wants you to do, not necessarily the things you want to be doing.
Nichole, my heart just aches for you. I remember being where you are, having that righteous desire and just not understanding what in the world was going wrong. I blamed myself, though that if I was just more faithful I'd be blessed, I would also just be so angry and sad sometimes. I hate that you are feeling that.
Have you had any medical help? What about doing basal body temping? That helped me to at least know what was going on with my body so I could tell the doctor exactly what was happening. There's a good website that can help called www.fertilityfriend.com. If you have any questions just ask! I wish I could just give you a big hug!
wow, people really responded to that question. all i would say is, for me you have faith that God knows what he is doing and that he will do what is RIGHT for you not what you want..the closer we draw to the saviour the smaller the gap between what is Right for you and what you WANT! oh and the saviour even asked his father to remove the bitter cup then added if it be thy will or in other words BUT if it is your will i will still do it... and he was perfect so we ALL have a loooooooooooong way to go!Nicole everytime you write a blog i am just inspired by you! Do you know how AMAZING you are!!!! look all these people say it! oh and faith and hope arent the same. hope is for the answer you want will be the answer you get, Faith is knowing that whatever you get WILL BE the right thing for you!thats how i see it anyway! Keep on keeping on! remember everything in the Lords time!
Nichole, I have asked myself this same question almost daily in my life as I try to have faith in my life. Sometimes I think the key comes in understanding the true nature of christ. I read Lectures on Faith by Joseph smith and it gave me some great insight to this question. Its a short little book with some amazing info. I also think it is our human nature that keeps us from really feeling that perfect faith that we ought to have.
I LOVE reading your blog because you dare to say all the things i feel in life but feel to vulnerable to put out there. I can always relate to you on some level.
I think it's important to remember that having faith is not what is important, it is having "faith in the Lord Jesus Christ." Having perfect faith in Him is what we want. That gives us hope in the eternities, no matter what our trials may be.
Also, I don't really ever ask for blessings in my prayers, instead I ask for Heavenly Father to help me see myself, my life, and others the way He sees all those. Prayer is really to help us keep our perspective in line with our Heavenly Father's. You are so cute! Once you leave Wymount you may not feel so consumed with pregnancy! LOL! They are called the rabbit hutches for a reason!
Dear Nichole,
I know that Heavenly Father hears your prayers and knows the righteous desires of your heart. You keep asking Him for a child and include with it the phrase--" according to Thy will and timing." And then get up and go on with your life--doing everything you can to take care of yourself and Erik physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Set goals, resume your efforts to start an education, etc. From my own experiences, I can almost promise you that as you embark on your design degree or hair design school or whatever, you are going to get pregnant and then have to go through the "test" of giving it up!!!! :) That's what happened for me when it came to going on a mission, going to graduate school, and finally my teaching career. Each of those things I was about to do, when the Lord suddenly granted me my greatest desires to get married and then become a mother! As you look back over this huge test you are going through, you will realize the Lord truly knew what was best for you and your family! You will also be better able to help others in the future who will be experiencing similar tests. Ultimately, by going without, you are being refined by the Lord and becoming more like Him!
I sure love you!
James and Larry love you too!
I selfishly love to clean. Thanks for letting me hang with you, even though it was at work! I would do it again in a heartbeat. I miss being close & living in wymount...
I think you have been given great advise concerning your question. But I also think you knew the answer all along.
You are stronger than you think you are, Nichole. Your strength is why I love being around you.
Nicole! Hey! So I saw your blog from Alicia's and I wanted to respond, too. I think the big difference between faith and the Lord's will is that they are two separate things. Our faith in His ability doesn't give us what we want. Actually, I think our faith in His ability is what gives us peace when we don't get what we want. We read in the scriptures about men so faithful that whatever they asked would be granted. In my opinion (and take that for what it is!), I don't think they had this magic wand of faith as much as they had the same mindset as the Lord, they truly wanted what He wanted. What they prayed for was what the Lord already saw appropriate to give. Does that even make sense?
But I kind of know how you feel. I found out someone I love had gotten this disease that doesn't have a cure yet. And I truly did believe that the Lord had the ability to heal her. What hurt the most was knowing that for whatever reason He chose not to. Maybe that's the position that you're in too- that even though the desire is completely righteous and what we are asking for is good and just- it hurts that it doesn't happen when or how we want it to. What I found to be comforting what this: the Lord knew me. He knew I had the desire to get to the point where I could truly saw "thy will be done" and to really mean it. And until I got to that point, I felt like he was an ally, someone who was rooting for me and encouraging me along.
I've been studying about Eve lately and I read Sherri Dew point out that Adam calls her "Eve, the Mother of all Living." But I never really noticed that he calls her this before she even has a child. Sister Dew talks about how being a mother isn't only having a child- it's a trait women are born with, the desire to care for and teach and love. It's one of the crowning traits of our gender. And while I know that ache of wanting to have a child, I think that ache is an amazing gift. That probably sounds easy for someone else to say. But hang in there. Have faith that the Lord will help you until you get where you need to be- whether it's in life or just in your heart.
I like you, Nicole. Tell Erky we said hi.
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